Honestly, contentment has been more of an afterthought than a focus so far. It's so hard to feel content when you're constantly reminded of what you don't have. Aaron and I have been on a tight budget pretty much since we've been married, and it got even tighter when we had Jona. Finding good deals and shopping smart is part of who I am, so I'm okay with my budget being more Target than Nordstrom. But there's this voice in my head that is constantly nagging at me and tells me that at 31, this is not where I should be. This is not what I imagined.
I went to college, I worked hard. I got my degree, I got a Masters degree too for crying out loud. I graduated Cum Laude and was invited into Phi Beta Kappa. (This isn't a toot my own horn session, I'm just trying to make a point.) I know that academic achievement isn't everything, but I thought it would be something. As a college student if you would have told me 10 years after graduation I'd be working as an assistant I'd laugh. I had dreams. I wanted to be something. I didn't say they were real specific dreams, but dreams nonetheless. I thought I would be more. I thought I would do more. But it turns out the skills I mastered in college (um, writing papers analyzing French literature?) didn't really put me on the path to landing a lucrative job.
My career struggles, however, are a post for another day. A real Shakespearean tragedy. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to be honest with you, because even though I truly believe that you don't have to have a lot of money to look great, eat well, or live "the good life," sometimes I think about how nice it would be if I did. If I didn't have to worry about what "envelope" the money for a new pair of shoes is going to come from (#lovehateDaveRamsey). Or if I schedule a hair appointment and Aaron didn't ask me, "Did we budget for that?" Or if we could have a conversation about growing our family that didn't focus on money or daycare costs.
I guess I'm writing this because I hope that I'm not alone. I hope that some of you have many of the same money-related worries that I do. Or even if you're in a better place financially, I hope that I'm not the only one who struggles with contentment. I know this is quite a departure from what I usually write, but this has been heavy on my heart lately.
What do you do when you're struggling to feel content?
From the archives:
- 5 years ago: wearing red, white, and blue.